These Are My 2010 College Football Confessions

So there is an EDSBS Confessional post up, and it is chockablock with schadenfreude, chagrin, and gleeful wishes for bon vivant BMOCs in the mold of Rex Grossman, as it should be. You can easily lose an hour over there.

It’s a brilliant concept—what better way to celebrate the slightly terrifying pride and passion most college football fans have than by asking them to flip it and examine their shame?—and I was happy to be a part of it in 2008. (Look, an outdated nom de blog!) I started writing out a comment there, got about 300 words deep, and realized it made more sense to write something here, at this blog that I have and sometimes write on, than to bury all of those thoughts in the EDSBS comments. (Sorry, Jim Bankoff/Chris Mottram!)

And that’s why, after the jump, you get to read my College Football Confessions for 2010.

1) I want Lane Kiffin to succeed at USC, or at least stick around for a while.

Partly, it’s because he’s fodder for anything and everything a blogger would want to write about college football, and partly, it’s because it’s a ton of fun to root against him. (I’ve never heard the Swamp louder than when booing Kiffin, and sitting in the O’Connell Center stands as everyone learned via the wireless Interwebs that he was leaving was a magical thing.)

But I also think that his brashness and utter lunacy deserve to be rewarded by the Karma Gods much as Spurrier’s arrogance was, because fortune should favor the bold. I want Ed Orgeron in my college football world. I want to see what Monte Kiffin can do with a team of USC-caliber superhumans on defense. And I want the teams I really love in the resurgent Pac-10 (Oregon, Washington, Stanford) to have a big bad wolf to slay.

2) I want Brian Kelly to wake up the echoes.

He’s smart, savvy, and melds the overwhelming fatuous pomposity of Weis with the woodenness and discipline of Willingham in a manner that would only be more satisfying if Kelly were literally a black whale.

Also, I have friends who are Notre Dame fans, and they’ll drink to be happy rather than to drown sorrows if ND wins. No one should have had to waste good alcohol on laments about Charlie Weis’ playcalling.

3) This big, world-destroying, power-consolidating, NCAA-fortifying conference expansion thing? Not really all that worried about or opposed to it.

Being a Florida fan helps with that, but I also think that it doesn’t spell the end for all the smaller schools if (okay, when) it does come to pass. Schools in Division X-14 would still play football, because football’s still a great way to make homecomings and the alumni donations that come with them happen, and as the field of best teams is winnowed, the chances that truly awesome superteams (Miami 2001, USC 2004, Texas 2005, Florida 2008) will surface get better.

I like dominance. Being a Florida fan helps with that, too.

4) Dammit, I want Florida State to not be a joke.

The stereotypical Miami fans, some of whom actually live and breathe and go to school and talk to me, live off of past glories, are unashamed about it, and think The U deserves an Oscar, which is both annoying and admirable, except for that part about The U deserving an Oscar, because it actually deserves all of the Oscars.

Florida State fans, on the other hand, tend to just be delusional in a sad way. I would like for them to be able to brag about something other than track or soccer, because it will make every win sweeter. I also do not mind Christian Ponder one bit, and find it harder to make fun of him than quarterbacks past who slept through exams or tripped on something strong enough to have messianic hallucinations.

5) I have an irrational and unabashed love for Davie Jones’ Locker and for much of what happens after midnight Eastern on College GameDay Final.

Jones and Davie fit that segment perfectly, and watching Rece Davis try to officiate what goes on between Lou Holtz and Mark May often feels like watching someone try to wrangle eels.

6) I have the typical intellectual’s bias towards the smart-kid schools.

But I’m not rooting for Vanderbilt, Duke, Stanford, Northwestern, or Michigan because I’m assigning points for degree of difficulty to winning with “more stringent academic requirements”: I just want the eggheads at those schools to get the chance to lose their minds on Saturday. If Duke goes to a bowl, the Duke student body might realize there’s a Duke football team! How cool is that? (Also, Michigan fans have been fuming since the beginning of this paragraph.)

7) Worst of all, not only do I think Ohio State is going to win the national championship, I sort of want them to.

Alabama winning two straight national championships would be one of the worst things to ever happen on Earth (I’m slotting it above Pol Pot and below 3OH!3), and Ohio State fans—who are, in my experience, generally classy, upstanding folks who have taken the “LOL CAN’T BEAT SEC SPEEDZORZ” ribbing with a ton more class than I would have if my team’s entire ethos were being decried by fans who aren’t good at limiting their arguments about supremacy to one team being better than another on one day—are due for another brass ring. Plus, the chances that Terrelle Pryor morphs into a fire-breathing pterodactyl (as opposed to Arian Foster’s less advanced version) who lays waste to the college football landscape are good, and I’m going to support that possibility because it might result in the incidental death of Skip Bayless, Jay Mariotti, or any other number of bloviators who asserted that Pryor was/is a lost cause and will get the worst case of whiplash when he and the Buckeyes dust Miami this fall. (I’m a Pryor skeptic, though I couch my concern in maybes and “He’s got potential!” and tend to think we’ll see something more like Rose Bowl Pryor than Middle of October on the Road Against Purdue Pryor this fall.)

I also think you should always root for pterodactyls.

1 Comment

Filed under College Football, Confessions

One response to “These Are My 2010 College Football Confessions

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