Bill Simmons Talks to Erin Andrews, Fun Ensues

The guy on the right? You care about him?

The guy on the right? You care about him?

Perhaps it’s because it dropped at an odd time (my feed says 8:31 PM), or because it preceded a pivotal (and eventually excellent) NBA Finals tilt, or because it’s happened before, but Bill Simmons and Erin Andrews talked to each other on a podcast (right-click to save) and I didn’t even to turn it up to drown out the echo of a thousand bloggers rushing to transcribe every word.

Oh, wait. That’s my gig.

Some choice excerpts from this one:

Andrews: “Is your phone ringing while I’m doing this? That is so rude.”
Simmons: “That’s a party foul, I’m sorry.”
Andrews: “Wow.”
Simmons: “I forgot to unplug it.”

Simmons: “I like that you have the father-daughter thing. My daughter’s only four, but I would like to think that maybe she would like sports. I’m not going to force it on her, but if she does, I think that would be cool.”
Andrews: “It wasn’t forced on me. I just wanted to be around him. It just became cool, and a way to spend time with him.”
Simmons: “Yeah, but here’s the crucial thing, though: You thought your dad was cool.

Simmons: “Is there somebody you like?”
Andrews: “Um…I just don’t give up that information, because it’s the only thing I can control.”
Simmons: “It’s a good idea. I highly recommend that strategy.”
Andrews: “Bloggers would just kill that, and I just don’t want to let them. They’re gonna kill it regardless. They kill imaginary relationships that I have, I guess.”

And there’s more, on Twitter, on Dancing With the Stars, on Simmons not being able to quit Manny, and plenty more. Hit the jump for what amounts to a transcription.

Simmons’ lead-in: “She cancelled a three o’clock massage and facial to be here with us.” Yup, these are our columnists. EA comes to us from Omaha, where she’s covering the College World Series. (Her Gators, uh, decided not to join her.)

On the real life of Erin Andrews:

Simmons: “See, I would’ve given you a reality show already.”
Andrews: “Really? But what would you have called it?”
Simmons: “What’s your life like? I’d be fascinated by that. Like, I watched “Kendra” the other day…but I’d be more interested to not see somebody who buys a new house and buys a stripper pole. How ’bout a normal person in their twenties and what their life’s like?” (Note: Andrews is 31.)
Andrews: “I would love people to get an idea of what’s behind the scenes, particularly the research, and, you know, watching how we interact with the coaches and players. I think they’d be surprised.”
Simmons: “Surprised in what way?”
Andrews: “Maybe in the amount of work, and prep, and how much on your feet you have to be.”

Photo from Awful Announcing.

Photo from Awful Announcing.

On adventures as the Sideline Princess:

Andrews: “Everyone always asks that, and I’m always like, ‘What’s about to happen, what’s about to come?’ A lot was made of the whole Rey Maualuga thing and stuff like that, but I don’t think that was my fault or anything.”
Simmons: “What was the thing last year where some journalist didn’t like what you were wearing?” (Note: See left.)
Andrews: “Oh, that wasn’t fun. That was an ordeal to go through.”
Simmons: “That was stupid. I mean, seriously, find other stuff to write about.”
Andrews: “I just wish maybe he had come and spoken to me in person. I think I’m professional. A lot of the reason people want to talk to me is because it’s not so cut-and-dry. I talk to them like they’re a real person.”

On double standards in looking good:

Andrews: “We have a ton of good-looking guys on our network, guys that really take pride in what they look like, and I know that they work out, and I know that they have people that dress them, and nobody really kind of shoots them down. So why is it such a big deal if somebody wants to stay in shape, if she wants to look nice, I just, I don’t get it. I don’t know, I think I’m almost done fighting that whole battle. I’m not gonna win it anyways.”
Simmons: “It’s stupid. If somebody spends $2,000 on a suit, and then goes on SportsCenter—”
Andrews: “Nobody cares!”
Simmons: “Let’s say it’s 87 degrees two days from now when you’re doing the College World Series. What exactly are you supposed to wear so that you’re not sweating like a fiend the entire time you’re on the air?”
Andrews: “Uh…a potato sack. I’m kidding.”

On fitting in as a woman in broadcasting:

Andrews: “What’s silly to me and what’s funny to me is, I really do think that people are over it. I really don’t think they really care too much about females being in sports, especially when they can talk the talk. I think the only time it becomes a big deal is when somebody tried to make a name for themselves and goes after that person.”
Simmons: “Yeah. Well, unfortunately, that’s…you just basically described some people in the blogosphere. (Both laugh at this.) But I do think that, for me, there’s been little strides, like Doris Burke, sole color analyst for NBA playoff games (Andrews: “Amazing. Incredible job.”), that’s a pretty big stride. Nobody’s said a peep, because she was good. But I think the next step, in my opinion, is females on these shows where they argue with each other, or like even like if you hosted PTI (as Dan Le Batard says Simmons will this summer) for a week.”
Andrews: “But Jackie (MacMullan) does that on Around the Table, er, Around the Horn. Wow. Hello, Around the Horn.”
Simmons: “But it’s different if—what about if she was hosting PTI for a week?” (Note: To me, Simmons sounds like he’s going to be hosting PTI for a week.) “It’s a little different animal.”
Andrews: “I think Jackie could definitely do it.”
Simmons: “What about a female version of The Sports Reporters? Why hasn’t that happened yet?”
Andrews: “I guess I just don’t think of things like that. There’s certainly areas in the industry that you’d like to see women continue to succeed in, but I guess my approach is I just don’t sit there and go, ‘Why isn’t this happening!?’ Like, I don’t get that.”
Simmons: “I’d like to see more female sports columnists, personally. I’m not sure why there’s not more. It’s not like there are more male good writers than female writers. You would think it would be equal.” (Note: You, Bill.)
Andrews: “Maybe because there aren’t really that many right now, that women in college (Simmons’ phone rings)—Is your phone ringing while I’m doing this? That is so rude.”
Simmons: “That’s a party foul, I’m sorry.” (Note: Oh, God.)
Andrews: “Wow.”
Simmons: “I forgot to unplug it.”
Andrews: “Maybe when women are in college and they’re studying to do this, they kind of just see women on SportsCenter, they see us on the sidelines and they don’t really look to do that.”

On advice to college students:

Andrews: “I tell them to read as much as they can. That’s one of the pieces of advice my father gave me. You’ve gotta read. You’ve gotta be so well-versed in everything. You have to study your brains out, because people are going to test you right away.”
Simmons: “You know what’s funny, I give people the same advice, even though my job’s different. You should be reading everything.”

Wouldn't be a proper Simmons post without an awkward picture.

Wouldn't be a proper Simmons post without an awkward picture.

On fathers and daughters and sports:

Simmons: “I like that you have the father-daughter thing. My daughter’s only four, but I would like to think that maybe she would like sports. I’m not going to force it on her, but if she does, I think that would be cool.”
Andrews: “It wasn’t forced on me. I just wanted to be around him. It just became cool, and a way to spend time with him.”
Simmons: “Yeah, but here’s the crucial thing, though: You thought your dad was cool. I have to reach that point with my kids. I don’t know if I’m there yet. I think she thinks I’m the guy who’s in front of the computer, has his glasses on half the time…I don’t know, I’ve gotta work on that.”

On dating:

Simmons: “Does your schedule make it difficult to date?”
Andrews: “You obviously can’t do the weekend dates. It is difficult, but it is kind of a dream job, so you have to figure out how to have both.”
Simmons: “So you’re like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News? You’re devoted to your work.”
Andrews: “I’m devoted to my work, but I’m devoting to having a life outside of work as well.”
Simmons: “So you have a boyfriend and you love him?”
Andrews: “I love…having a social life or a personal life, yeah.”
Simmons: “Is there somebody you like?” (Note: It’s gotten very fourth grade here.)
Andrews: “Um…I just don’t give up that information, because it’s the only thing I can control.”
Simmons: “It’s a good idea. I highly recommend that strategy.”
Andrews: “Bloggers would just kill that, and I just don’t want to let them. They’re gonna kill it regardless. They kill imaginary relationships that I have, I guess.”
Simmons: “Well, you need that mystique, and here’s why.” (Note: NO ONE DENIES THIS!)
Andrews: “Why? For a reality show?” (Note: Zing!)
Simmons: “When you have a reality show, do what Lauren Conrad did, and don’t let your boyfriend be on camera.”
Andrews: “I know! Well, Reggie Bush kinda did that, too, until this last season, with (Keeping Up With the Kardashians). It was very, very low-key.”
Simmons: “Whereas Hank Baskett came right out and within fifteen minutes was involved.”

On Dancing With the Stars:

Simmons: “So we have to launch this campaign. I like to use my powers in a benevolent way from time to time. You need to be on Dancing With the Stars. You’ve thrown it out there, I didn’t feel like it made enough of a splash.”
Andrews: “Are you kidding? I told one person in the media and it was everywhere the next day.”
Simmons: “Oh, it was everywhere? I wasn’t aware of that. I thought it was a little somewhere but not everywhere.”
Andrews: “I dunno, everybody started texting and calling.”
Simmons: “Oh, good, so let’s get that ball rolling even further.”
Andrews: “I can’t do it this next season, in the fall, because of college football, but I feel like this one that’s just passed, with Shawn Johnson, that may be doable.”
Simmons: “And give us your credentials.”
Andrews: “Tom Bergeron was asked by somebody with the Washington Post, ‘Well, she’s danced before,’ yeah, but I haven’t done dance like ballroom dancing before. I’ve never done partner dancing before. I did grow up a dancer, but I haven’t done it since I was in college. That’s basically my credentials. Look, I love Kenny, we all love Kenny Mayne, but come on! I mean, we gotta represent the network somehow! That was crazy, what, was he the first contestant out?”
Simmons: “Yeah, he got bumped right away.”
Andrews: “Unacceptable out of him.”
Simmons: “Yeah, I agree. And you need to end the curse.” (Note: Stop this. There is no curse.)
Andrews: “And don’t you think there could be a great segment made where Kenny just comes to a practice and kind of gives me all the dos and don’ts for not getting bumped on the first show?”
Simmons: “There is no downside to this idea. First off, people will be voting. You’re the princess of the Internet, so people will work hard to keep you on the show. Talk about when you were in college, what were you called, a Dazzler?”
Andrews: “We were Dazzlers.”
Simmons: “For the Florida Gators? And you dazzled, you did dancing?”
Andrews: “We were the basketball dance team. Did the timeouts, did the halftime numbers.” (Note: Visual aid below!)

Andrews: “Had a strong senior year, went to the national championship game against Michigan State. Tom Izzo actually has a photo of me screaming at Mo Pete (Morris Peterson) under the basket, and he’s pointing to the scoreboard. I like to think I can dance.”
Simmons: “This all sounds good.”
Andrews: “So how do you get this campaign going?”
Simmons: “Here’s what we do, this is where the listeners come through, the people who know how to do the HTML and all that stuff. They’re going to start a blog, and I’m going to send them traffic. Whoever has the best blog, they’re going to get the ball rolling, they’re going to get people to sign up for it. You know what might also help, is like a Twitter account.”
Andrews: “I’m too afraid of that stuff.”
Simmons: “Yeah, but you could control the Twitter account.”
Andrews: “I don’t want to deal with Twitter.”
Simmons: “But if you did it for your campaign, it would be good.”
Andrews: “But do I really want to have a campaign for myself? (Simmons: “Yes! Yes!”) I feel like I’m kind of annoying already. (Simmons: “No! You gotta do it!”) Can’t you just do my Twitter account? (Simmons: “Maybe we’ll have somebody do it.”) Do you have a Twitter account?”
Simmons: “I do have a Twitter account.”
Andrews: “How much do you update that thing? I don’t even get it.”
Simmons: “Here’s the thing: I think what people thought Twitter originally was was like ‘Hey, I’m going to the gym,’ or like, ‘Just had a great workout! Two hours!'”
Andrews: “Who cares?”
Simmons: “Yeah, well, that’s not really what Twitter is. I use it, like, I update, you know, here’s a link to my latest column, here’s a link to my podcast with Erin Andrews. I’m watching the NBA Finals, here’s a couple things I wouldn’t be able to put in a column because the moment would have passed.”
Andrews: “That’s cool. What do I need Twitter for? ‘Ahh. Chillin’. Going to Target.'”
Simmons: “You probably don’t. But I do think you would get a lot of followers. ‘Lost in Omaha! Can’t find my toothpaste! How dare Target doesn’t have whitening with tartar!'”
Andrews: “Oh, they’ll have it.”
Simmons: “Listen, there’s no reason why you can’t do (DWTS). It’s ABC. Owned by Disney, which also owns ESPN. The second season, you’re not doing stuff anyway.”
Andrews: “Well, college hoops, I am.”
Simmons: “Yeah, but come on, you could take off six weeks.”
Andrews: “The job comes first, buddy.”
Simmons: “It’s the same company, it’s a good thing for you to be on the show. Like, it raises your profile. Here’s the thing I’m worried about: A lot of it depends on who your partner is.”
Andrews: “Tom Bergeron already said that if I was asked to do it, it would have to be a tall guy, I’m not a little girl, I’m 5’10”, in heels I’m 6’0″.”
Simmons: “You can’t end up with somebody where it looks like Tom Cruise with Katie Holmes.”
Andrews: “But I don’t think they would do that to me, anyway. He has to be big enough to flip me.”
Simmons: “So it’s gotta be one of those Eastern European guys.”

On Simmons almost snubbing Andrews:

Andrews: “Are we going to bring up that you almost walked past me at that ESPN The Magazine party?”
Simmons: “I, I, I, I know, but I’ve already apologized, though.”
Andrews: “But that was so weird!”
Simmons: “Yeah, but I didn’t—you were all dolled up, so I wasn’t used to—”
Andrews: “I wasn’t all dolled up.”
Simmons: “Yeah, you were. You were dolled up. You were wearing like your little red-carpet outfit, and, like, your hair was like professionally done.”
Andrews: “No, it wasn’t! It really wasn’t.”
Simmons: “The other thing is, you’re much taller in person than, than—I’ve only met you two or three times, but it’s diff—seeing you in person is different, because, you’re like, almost eye level.”
Andrews: “Everybody’s so shocked about how tall I am.”
Simmons: “It’s always weird to meet a celebrity who’s tall. (Simmons goes on to name-drop Tom Brady and Tony Parker to prove his point.) The combination of you being tall and the red-carpet stuff threw me off.”
Andrews: “Are you gonna be at the ESPYs?”
Simmons: “I had a few drinks in me, I was—”
Andrews: “Oh. Okay.”
Simmons: “Yeah, I’m gonna be at the ESPYs. But you’re going to be wearing your red-carpet outfit again.”
Andrews: “It’ll definitely be red-carpety.”

On the Red Sox, Big Papi and objectivity:

Simmons: “Say you’re doing the Sunday night game, (David) Ortiz hits the game-winning homer, gets the curtain call and all that.”
Andrews: “Number four on the season?” (Note: ZING!)
Simmons: “And you have to do the interview. You’re gonna have to give him a little bit of a hug, right?”
Andrews: “I can’t give Big Papi a hug.”
Simmons: “Oh, c’mon, you got to!”
Andrews: “Absolutely not!”
Simmons: “You gotta—help him. We all need to help him. We need to help him through this.”
Andrews: “I think baseball is better when Papi is hittin’ ’em out of the yard. It’s sad to see him struggle.”
Simmons: “I think Yankee fans would vehemently disagree.”
Andrews: “But even Yankee fans love him. Remember, he wrote that book, and he was signing in New York, and there were still lines of people coming out to see him.”
Simmons: “Yeah, he is lovable.”
Andrews: “He is such a lovable guy. It’s almost like Nick Saban back in the SEC, or Steve Spurrier back in college football.” (Note: Those two, lovable? On what planet?) “You want them to do well. You want David Ortiz to do well. You don’t want him to stink.”
Simmons: “It’s sad to watch legends grow old.”
Andrews: “It is. It’s like the Brett Favre stuff.”
Simmons: “I remember Larry Bird.” (Note: Of course you do.)

On Simmons’ love affair with one Manny Ramirez:

Simmons: “After swearing I would never forgive Manny, I’ve already completely forgiven him. And now I’m convinced that he’s been framed. What about that? What if Manny’s been framed?” (Note: It wouldn’t be Simmons without a conspiracy.) “It’s funny out here.”
Andrews: “Where’s out here?”
Simmons: “I’m in Los Angeles.”
Andrews: “You ARE? I didn’t know that.”
Simmons: “Oh, stop. I’ve been in Los Angeles forever. Watching the way everybody’s dealt with Manny, it’s like rolled off everybody.” (More steroids talk, about kids and heroes and the dangers of steroids—Andrews says, “By the way, you’re basically poisoning yourself.”)

To finish:

Andrews: “You’re the president of my Twitter account.”
Simmons: “Yeah, we’ll work on that.”

(For the diehards: Simmons unleashes one of his best “Oh, JOHNNY!” quotes on Jack-O, whose fatalism is in fine form, and whines about the Ibanez/blogger situation, but I’m not transcribing that.)

I might just have some thoughts on this at some point. But, for now, I sleep.


Filed under Bill Simmons, ESPN

8 responses to “Bill Simmons Talks to Erin Andrews, Fun Ensues

  1. VinnyD

    Nice to hear Erin doesn’t endorse hugging her interview subjects, unlike some people (Rachel Nichols) who does that to break the ice in football locker rooms (preceded by a ‘Did you miss me?’).

    Wish I were kidding.

  2. The wiki page for Bill Simmons is probably the funniest I’ve seen (the memes section).

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  6. wow

    wow, bill simmons is such a pansy. stop drooling over some girl and get it together, son. most of your interview sounds like two girls talking.

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