The Saturday Speculator: Week 3

You know who Beanie Wells is? Big Brown.

But I’ll get to that later.

Kansas at South Florida

You’ll hear a lot about how Kansas’ football and basketball teams have something like one loss since Nancy Pelosi became Speaker of the House, but it’s Mark Mangino’s biggest loss from last year, Aqib Talib, that allows Matt Grothe to pass just enough to win this one. Bulls 31, Jayhawks 21.

Louisiana-Lafayette at Illinois

Last week, a directional Illinois team; this week, one of Louisiana’s alphabet soup schools. At least Missouri props up the strength of schedule for the Zooksters. Fighting Illini 45, Ragin’ Cajuns 20.

California at Maryland

You know Maryland played in a BCS game this decade? Go. Look it up. I’ll be here to pick your jaw up from the floor. Golden Bears 41, Terrapins 14.

Nevada at Missouri

Forget Vista. It’s Mizzou’s early schedule that’s like cake for an offense so sharp that Gillette’s new eight-blade razor is just called the Mach Chase Daniel. (And I’d never mock Chase Daniel.) Tigers 52, Wolf Pack 24.

East Carolina at Tulane

This is perhaps the biggest letdown game since USF went to Rutgers last year, but Tulane’s nowhere near as good now as the Ray Rice-led Scarlet Knights were then. They might, though, be better than Rutgers this year. (Oh, this game?) Pirates 34, Green Wave 14.

UCLA at Brigham Young

Unfortunately for UCLA, Max Hall is in no way related to Jonathan Crompton. Cougars 42, Bruins 27.

Penn State at Syracuse

Syracuse is so bad that the Carrier Dome is no longer named for the air conditioning company, but for the Bad Football Syphilis the Orange have had, also known as bacillus Robinsonus. Rally cry: at least Obama can’t mispronounce Orange! Nitally (sic) Lions 55, Orange 10.

Arkansas at Texas (PPD)

Hurricane Ike 1, football 0. When this game does get played, Texas will win.

Georgia at South Carolina

You know, the ‘Cocks beat Georgia last year? Really. Go check whatever site you found the Maryland thing on. Well, there’s going to be a new streak after Saturday, and it may look like the entrails of Stephen Garcia. Bulldogs 42, Gamecocks 7.

Oregon at Purdue

If I had a Blog Poll, Oregon would be a top ten team. Purdue might crack the top 40. Maybe. Ducks 38, Boilermakers 17.

Western Kentucky at Alabama

Western Kentucky is going to be a go-to cupcake for SEC schools for years to come because a) it’s no longer a FCS team that looks bad in schedule comparisons, b) it’s fairly close to every school in the Southeast and the plane trip’s cheaper and c) unlike ACC schools, SEC schools will beat WKU. But Alabama’s offense has some growing to do, and this week will be more of a struggle than expected. Crimson Tide 30, Hilltoppers 17.

Southern Methodist at Texas Tech

Really, why play defense in this one? Just rent some submarines and play Battleship while the other team scores. It’ll be fun, I promise. (Okay, seriously, this could well be postponed.) Red Raiders 66, Mustangs 31.

Oklahoma at Washington

The Who Do Pac-10 Officials Hate MOre Bowl. I’m going to say Sam Bradford makes sure that doesn’t matter that much, but, damn, the Ty Willlingham Death March just gets harder and harder. For a Huskies team that’s probably underrated, it’s unfortunate that we’ll only have a 20-point win over Notre Dame as archaeological evidence at the end of this already lost season. Sooners 50, Huskies 21.

Auburn at Mississippi State

Auburn lost to Mississippi State last year. Auburn will not lose to Mississippi State this year. Tigers 28, Bulldogs 20.

Ohio State at USC

So Beanie Wells is Big Brown because he’s got a bad hoof! Get it? (Comedy is survived by Demetri Martin; in lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Tim Tebow Sainthood Campaign.) There’s no earthly way Ohio State wins this game unless USC loses it, and I don’t see the Trojans making those mistakes. Trojans 35, Buckeyes 20.

North Texas at LSU

LSU has announced they’ll host Miami Northwestern High next week to improve their strength of schedule. Tigers 56, Mean Green 10.

Utah at Utah State

Why do I have to keep picking games featuring Utah State? I’m scared I might learn something about them, and there’s only so many engineering schools one needs to know. Utes 34, Aggies 24.

UNLV at Arizona State

Well, UNLV wears red and black, right? That’s about the only thing they have in common with ASU’s next opponent, and this tune-up will look just misleading enough for some idiot to take them next week. I will not be that person. Sun Devils 48, Rebels 21.

Wisconsin at Fresno State

Fresno’s pitching this as the biggest game in school history. Wisconsin would be offended if this weren’t the best thing to happen to the school since Ron Dayne picked up his first Big Mac; now, they have an excuse for playing poorly in a big game: the other team was more excited! And Fresno will be on Sunday, too. Bulldogs 31, Badgers 27.

Last Week in Review: I misfired on South Carolina and West Virginia, so I had a 20-2 week, which is better than anyone on the Sporting News team, maybe only because no one knows how to count over there. For the season, I’m 39-6, which reflects the 45 games that have been picked over there, not the 42 the crew seems to have selected. But what do I know?

I nailed this prediction: “No one will want to be UCF quarterback Michael Greco on Sunday morning.” Yeah, after he was the guy carrying the ball when USF stopped UCF in overtime, I’d say I was right.

Georgia Tech won; I said they would lose. Notre Dame and Michigan were totally underwhelming, so I was right on that one.

This Week in Preview: Ohio State-USC will not be the best game of the week; that honor will go to Rice-Vanderbilt, which pits a good passing offense for the Owls against an improving Vanderbilt team.

Terrelle Pryor will score a touchdown at some point. There will be on-air speculation whether he runs the offense better than Todd Boeckman.

Michigan will beat Notre Dame, but no one will want to watch the fourth quarter after three quarters of uninspired play.

Joe McKnight will appear on Heisman lists on Monday.

It will be a good weekend for the Pac-10 and an awful one for the ACC.

And I’ll see you Saturday for another All Day Saturday live blog.

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